Tag: direction

This is just another day in my life…

Picture a small suburbian corner store.

Most of the people living in and around the area may not know each other, but we’ve seen each other before. We say hi or at least nod to each other in passing. It’s a pretty friendly day. I have an incredible addiction to TruMoo that draws me to the corner store almost daily.

As I approach the entrance, another patron approaches the same door and I open it for her. She seems surprised and looks at me like I just did something unheard of. I say, “After you.” I go and grab my Trumoo and as it happens end up in line behind that same woman.

As we’re in line we both seem to be cutting joke with the staff there (this is a regular thing) and the woman seems incredibly familiar, or maybe it’s the other voice yelling inside my head “GET HER NUMBER YOU MORON!” …there’s no doubt – she’s cute, outgoing and I place her at around 30(ish).

Still **something** stops me…it was totally subconscious. No rings, no ring marks, no indications that she’s an axe murderer…so why am I not engaging the conversation?!

She gets through with her purchases and the internal conflict in my subconscious is totally becoming audible to me.

I get through with my purchases just as she reaches the door and I am STILL not pulling the trigger. This simply isn’t me. I may not always make a move or engage someone that is interested, but it’s always a pretty conscious choice…yet still here I am and I can already tell. I’m not going to talk to her.

It turns into slow motion. She’s stopped at her car and is just leaning against it now smiling. I smile at her, she smiles back…

…and I get into my car and start driving away.

Yup. Not only did I not take advantage of the chance…I am getting the distinct impression I just totally choked…and THAT is not how it works in TonyTown. I may be a big dork, but striking up conversation isn’t usually a problem.

…I drive about ten feet forward. What the hell?! Am I turning into THAT guy?! The one that can’t approach someone on a dime? It’s not like I’m Don Juan or anything, but approaching and talking…lol…I’ve been doing that since I was born! She had a great personality and I am obviously interested…why not ask?!

At this point my brain does its thing and I manage to rummage through a gazillion years of memories to find the few that my subconscious had access to that apparently weren’t connecting with me.

That attractive and compelling woman and I had met before…and now I know why I was holding back. She was an ex of one of my oldest friends and undeniably one of the centerpoints of absolute psychotic behavior I and a number of my friends had ever encountered. She was the center of a number of trashed friendships and for a couple of those friends the crux of trashed relationships.

Now it was clear. Man…it’d been 10 maybe 15 years…I honestly don’t know if she’s still the same person. I just remember the windfall of crazy shit that happened to me at her hands.

I stopped the car for a sec and looked back her direction. Yup…there she was.

I move on and remember that my brain is incredibly functional and will sometimes look out for me even when I might be thinking about (or with) something else.

Yep. Just another day. 😉


It is amazing…

…just how much you can change your life in just one week.

It’s that step in the right direction, -you know- the one that you recognize to actually be a a hundred steps and and even few for mankind in general. Yeah THAT one kind of step.

You start seeing a destination and plans manifest within a strong sense of clarity.

…and you think you just might be able to live happy. That’s what it’s all about right?

Some people are all about travel, or making the biggest ball of twine, or eating the most hot dogs.

Me, I am going to be content with kids and a wife/girlfriend that won’t draw a knife across my throat while I am asleep. You might think I am joking. I’m not – it happened.

There’s more, the financial stability to be a family, and at the very least give my mom the opportunity to be a grandmother.

I want to cook for lots of people, but on my own terms…

When I talk about it here, it just sounds like I’m daydreaming but what I’ve actually planned and laid out is a real process by which I just might be able to pull off having my own little patch of happy.

…and all the time there is even more confidence in knowing I am very likely not going into this adventure alone.

I know I am being one of those guys I bitch about all the time…the master of vague generalities, but the truth is the scope of this plan includes some pretty proprietary ideas that might just create competition and…well…c’est la vie. 😉