Sometimes you can see their hesitation in asking…
Tony, are you happy with your life?
Here’s your answer.
The truth of it is I’m happy. The only few things missing in my life and the parts and friends not missing more than make up for it. I only wish I could say the same for everyone else 🙂
Please don’t take this post too seriously.
I obviously don’t.
Sometimes I’ll notice that the brighter I see things, the darker others tend to see the same view. At the same time I’ll kick back and smile and say to myself, “Self, not too shabby at all.”
…the great part is that I mean it.
My rants here may leave the impression that I am one sour angry punk. If you feel better with that impression, I implore you to read no further, because I can live with it, and if it allows you to make sense of the world…well…my work is done.
But if you’re the least bit curious…30+ years of telling myself I’m screwing things up has finally led me to understand that I wasn’t always screwing things up. A few very key changes in my life, combined with more than a few key blunders, led me here to a spot that is warm n fuzzy when I need it to be. Those things missing aren’t regrets. They are goals & ambitions, some of which I’ve had planned since I was 8.
See there wasnt just The List, there was also The List. Which is to say that there is a list of things I promised myself I would do in my lifetime. Believe it or not…I’ve already knocked out most of them. Those that are left are the projects that leave a mark and leave you grinning like an idiot all the down that nasty fall into the abyss.
You see I am already there, so now all that’s left is alot of the generic stuff (like swim with dolphins, do my jig on the great wall, meditate at the top of the great pyramid). Dont get me wrong there are a couple other things that are way higher in priority, but still…I am already happy.
…so I guess it’s just time to get happier, eh?
A long time ago, I taught myself that the hardest step was the last.
As it happens, that so not true.
The hardest step is the first. We should all want to be better, and I think that that specific decision…THATS the hard one.
The decision that says, “Okay, I might not want to rule the world…but I want to make my part of it a better place to live in.”
Or maybe like whatever happens, you get it in your head that before you move on to greener pastures, you have to be someone’s hero, or be a hero to the world or mother nature, or your kids or your parents…whatever. The need to stop living status quo and move forward, and live by example, or at least live in a manner that isn’t centered on self gratuity that will let me, when than time comes (hopefully a very very long time from now) I will lay my head down with such an amazingly clear conscience that the the universe’ only option will be to sweep me up and show me what I missed.
I’m not sure if that’s some sort of karma, or maybe some afterlife of kundalini. But what I am sure is that I am pretty sure I know what it’s like to be at peace, and while I am not always in that happy place, I know how to get there. The joy in a child’s smile, the love in a girlfriends embrace. They might just be examples but they are definitely good ones. I’ve been such a die-hard loner for so long I think I actually forgot how to be someone’s better half, or even to recognize it when they might be mine.
It’s actually kind of freaking me out. No I am so not having any midlife crisis. I’m pretty sure everyone realizes that a guy with the mental development of a twelve year old doesn’t actually get a mid-life crisis. Perks of being twelve on the inside I guess, I get to make fun of guys driving corvettes my entire life, rather than just the first half 😉
Anyhow, back on point. So it’s time. I’ve cleaned up, the only issue I have left to obliterate from my life is my health. I barely drink, I haven’t had a smoke in over a year and know for sure I’ll never need one again. The rest is just painful memories of a different guy that hadn’t figured out some important lessons yet. I can live with that, and those few friends that have learned to forgive and/or love me for the change are still around and I am far far stronger for it.
All that’s left is the physical remnants of depression and overwhelming and repeated loss. Lets see what you’re like after 5 good friends kill themselves in under 2 years…its actually more than that, 2 other people I knew as well…couple that with a couple crazy as hell ex’s and I am completely surprised I’m not in an institution. But…I digress.
This is about the first step. The one where I stop being overly concerned with all of my many many bad decisions and start living with my good decisions. I am working out, paying off the last round of credit, and finally starting to make plans on a house. I am hardly planning for the white picket fence, I don’t know that I’m even a good candidate for it. But I know I am happy when I am helping people, so that the direction this goes. Making myself happy, and in the process hopefully sharing a little of that happy with my loved ones 😉
It’s not really a bad first step is it?
-T
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