So a couple nights ago I got this email telling me I should invite another friend into their little commercial community.
We all get these, it’s how online businesses make their money, draw in more people.
The problem is the person they were telling me to invite was that of an incredibly dear girlfriend who past away a couple years back. Without going into a lot of detail, I simply wasn’t emotionally prepared for her death, it left a ton of unresolved things lurking around in my head. So yeah…just an email, right?
It was just a damn email…but it was also a tiny spark that fired me up.
She and I had been at odds for some time, no specifics, suffice to say that the last time we talked, it wasn’t friendly or anything remotely like what our friends would have expected. We were arguing and worse, I was the one that brought it all on. There were a lot of reasons we had to start building a life together as a couple, but I am notorious for finding dealbreakers when I should know better and work though it. This time I held true to my habits and had made it clear we were never going down that road. The result was nothing short of multiple situations where we’d both intended to totally make amends but instead resulted in some colossal arguments.
The last argument was the worst of them all. She was really harsh, and understandably so, she was hurt and she was convinced I was being a complete idiot. Not that I wasn’t but I am stupid and stubborn once I’ve made my decision to stand my ground. So I took it. I let the barrage happen and let things get so escalated that we’d hang up. All this with the expectations that after we cooled off for a while we’d both be drawn to mending it up and making amends.
So we stopped speaking for some months…and then it happened. I was looking around for her and couldn’t find her. Of course I just assumed she was still POed at me so I let things go a little more. Two months after it had actually happened, I found out she’d taken her own life.
So yeah…that stupid little damn email brought all that angst & despair right back up for me to figure out how to deal with again. The difference is that now I have got to deal with this and put it behind me. I stowed away a lot of this because I was in no shape to deal with it back then, now, I have a life to live and this will not turn me into a wreck again.
I wrote this blog post not for the readers, but for myself this time. It’s been a while since I put a little of my heart on my sleeve in my writing and now’s a good time to get back into that habit. Aly, you were my most trusted companion in so many ideas and beliefs for what seems like a gazillion years. You helped me pull out of no few relationships without losing it. And that one rare time you wanted more from me, I was a dumbass, and thats on me. You own a piece of me, and I know you’re in a much much better place.
PS – I really need to thank Andie for listening to me vent about this when it happened. You have no idea how appreciative I am on this. Thanks love!