Tag: Hell

A long time ago, I taught myself that the hardest step was the last.

As it happens, that so not true.

The hardest step is the first. We should all want to be better, and I think that that specific decision…THATS the hard one.

The decision that says, “Okay, I might not want to rule the world…but I want to make my part of it a better place to live in.”

Or maybe like whatever happens, you get it in your head that before you move on to greener pastures, you have to be someone’s hero, or be a hero to the world or mother nature, or your kids or your parents…whatever. The need to stop living status quo and move forward, and live by example, or at least live in a manner that isn’t centered on self gratuity that will let me, when than time comes (hopefully a very very long time from now) I will lay my head down with such an amazingly clear conscience that the the universe’ only option will be to sweep me up and show me what I missed.

I’m not sure if that’s some sort of karma, or maybe some afterlife of kundalini. But what I am sure is that I am pretty sure I know what it’s like to be at peace, and while I am not always in that happy place, I know how to get there. The joy in a child’s smile, the love in a girlfriends embrace. They might just be examples but they are definitely good ones. I’ve been such a die-hard loner for so long I think I actually forgot how to be someone’s better half, or even to recognize it when they might be mine.

It’s actually kind of freaking me out. No I am so not having any midlife crisis. I’m pretty sure everyone realizes that a guy with the mental development of a twelve year old doesn’t actually get a mid-life crisis. Perks of being twelve on the inside I guess, I get to make fun of guys driving corvettes my entire life, rather than just the first half 😉

Anyhow, back on point. So it’s time. I’ve cleaned up, the only issue I have left to obliterate from my life is my health. I barely drink, I haven’t had a smoke in over a year and know for sure I’ll never need one again. The rest is just painful memories of a different guy that hadn’t figured out some important lessons yet. I can live with that, and those few friends that have learned to forgive and/or love me for the change are still around and I am far far stronger for it.

All that’s left is the physical remnants of depression and overwhelming and repeated loss. Lets see what you’re like after 5 good friends kill themselves in under 2 years…its actually more than that, 2 other people I knew as well…couple that with a couple crazy as hell ex’s and I am completely surprised I’m not in an institution. But…I digress.

This is about the first step. The one where I stop being overly concerned with all of my many many bad decisions and start living with my good decisions. I am working out, paying off the last round of credit, and finally starting to make plans on a house. I am hardly planning for the white picket fence, I don’t know that I’m even a good candidate for it. But I know I am happy when I am helping people, so that the direction this goes. Making myself happy, and in the process hopefully sharing a little of that happy with my loved ones 😉

It’s not really a bad first step is it?

-T

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