Tag: Rants

I feel like I am on that edge…

…7 years old and looking down wondering why I had the urge to jump from a perfectly good platform into the pool below.

…15 years old and looking down into that crystal blue heaven 45 feet below wondering how I forgot the rush.

…23 years old and looking down, nothing but air between me and the world thousands of feet below wondering how many times the dice get rolled before one of these leaps is the last.

Years later I see that leap coming up again. Metaphorical or not…it’s coming.

This isn’t a leap of faith it’s a leap of joy. It’s the first step of a new journey. When I was 7 I learned that I wouldn’t die from taking chances or being stubborn. When I was 15 I learned that I wouldn’t end up in pieces if I made a leap of faith into a pool of water almost 50 feet below. When I was 23, I learned that my body had limits…yes…after all the experiences before…it wasn’t clear for years. If I had a chance I’d take back none of those leaps. There were points of transition for me…and another one is coming up.

It doesn’t have to be a metaphor to jump. And you don’t have to skydive to learn you’ve put your body and soul to it’s limit.

The leap is about being ready to transform your life and I think it’s about time I made it.

A couple days ago i hit rock-bottom emotionally…on accident. I reached for my phone to call Andy. I stopped. It sucks pretty damn bad when you forget such an old friend is gone. You start wondering who the hell am I going to talk to now? I didn’t want to talk to anyone all of a sudden, a it felt like I was looking for a replacement and the conversation definitely wouldn’t be the same. Don’t get me wrong, I recognized the rut for what it was…and then I saw something else. It had only then occurred to me that I was avoiding a whole horde of friends because I didn’t want to go through wishing Andy was around for this or that. I live with the fondest of memories of him, it is not being able to sit down and bleed in conversation with him that drives me nuts. I brought myself to a stupendous low in only the few seconds it took for my clueless ass to realize I was about to try and call a dead friend to bullshit.

…but after that last couple years…Andy leaving us all was the closure. The precipice was in sight. I was avoiding it for months, then for a few more I laughed at it promising myself “Not again!” and then I realized I had finally learned to hesitate before jumping.

All these leaps weren’t metaphor, they were real, and they represented a strong change in my directions, goals, and beliefs. What is happening now is nothing more than me growing that much more. It’s not about my god, yours, your job, or my corporation…it’s about where I want to be years down the road, and the truth of it is I don’t want to be concerned about trying to call a dead friend and I don’t ever want to hesitate the next time I need to make a leap.

…and for what it’s worth, Andy would say “It’s not like anyone can stop you.”

…and I would…no…I will be taking that leap.