Sometimes death likes to dance…

So as it happens, I suppose for a while there I got a respite. But Ol’ Grim…he’s never far away…

The problem with loving so many people is the pain felt in losing them. You might hear about my numerous encounters with Ol’ Grim (click here for the renditions, aka Dancing with Death). Unfortunately, as with everyone, if you live long enough and meet enough people, you inevitably get to meet him. Ol’ Grim came to visit tonight, but he didn’t stop for conversation, he just left me a note.

“The docs are giving me 2 years.”

Trust me, even if you hate my guts and wouldn’t waste the dung off your heel on my grave and you’re reading this solely so that you can justify hating reading this even more, you don’t want to ever hear this…

For me it wasn’t the first time. As I mentioned above, the awesome part in meeting so many people is in enjoying having them around and knowing that you’re looking forward to spending more quality time with them at some point in the future.

“The docs are giving me 2 years.”

Don’t get me wrong, my candor might be light, but if you know me, this is like pressing the BAD button for me. I don’t expect it’s much different for anyone else, but since this is my little patch of the internet, I am going to ignore anyone is actually reading this and just vent a bit. I’ve seen more friends pass than most soldiers have to see in battle. I’ve held the hand of the dying so many times it’s become a damn blur. Up until now, I’ve learned that this part of the experience is the same, but it’s also taught me that how people deal with it progressively is an entirely different matter.

I’ve learned how to keep from freaking out. I’ve learned that acceptance is everything and it takes fucking time, but it NEVER (and believe it or not I feel very lucky for this) diminishes the pain.

Today, I am going to spend the day with an old friend, and ignore the hell out of everyone else. Because for once I get to have fun and make the best of it before that day comes instead of regretting the days I missed.

Ciao.

-T



Did you know…

Okay so if you’re not used to seeing this, it’s because I haven’t really done it in a while. Sometimes I get baseline lyrics running around in my head and I have to get them in print. I am not really a musician but I love my music. I got the bug early this morning and wrote it all out. Of course this song isn’t really a mystery, it just popped into my head and I cant stand not remembering the lines in my head later…so…yeah I post them here.

Enjoy! -T

Did you know… by Tony Hunt (2011-07-11)

Did you know amidst all that talkin,
we were humming to that same old song
It’s uncanny, but every time on the phone,
we were both pacing and trying to right those wrongs

Maybe if you knew bout this sad sad song
We’d have a chance to sing together
To play a different tune
To sing a different song

Did you know during all that yellin
I was wishin for another life for you
where all the wrongs were righted
and all the songs we had ended laughter

Maybe if you knew about this little bit of soul
We could look into each others eyes and never grow old
We’d play a different tune
and sing a different song

Did you know while we were thinkin
I’d imagined what it might be like for us
If things were just a little better.

Did you know while I was sleeping
I dreamed a little dream
There wasn’t much so different
But in it we’re together

…so much happier



It was just an email…

So a couple nights ago I got this email telling me I should invite another friend into their little commercial community.

We all get these, it’s how online businesses make their money, draw in more people.

The problem is the person they were telling me to invite was that of an incredibly dear girlfriend who past away a couple years back. Without going into a lot of detail, I simply wasn’t emotionally prepared for her death, it left a ton of unresolved things lurking around in my head. So yeah…just an email, right?

It was just a damn email…but it was also a tiny spark that fired me up.

She and I had been at odds for some time, no specifics, suffice to say that the last time we talked, it wasn’t friendly or anything remotely like what our friends would have expected. We were arguing and worse, I was the one that brought it all on. There were a lot of reasons we had to start building a life together as a couple, but I am notorious for finding dealbreakers when I should know better and work though it. This time I held true to my habits and had made it clear we were never going down that road. The result was nothing short of multiple situations where we’d both intended to totally make amends but instead resulted in some colossal arguments.

The last argument was the worst of them all. She was really harsh, and understandably so, she was hurt and she was convinced I was being a complete idiot. Not that I wasn’t but I am stupid and stubborn once I’ve made my decision to stand my ground. So I took it. I let the barrage happen and let things get so escalated that we’d hang up. All this with the expectations that after we cooled off for a while we’d both be drawn to mending it up and making amends.

So we stopped speaking for some months…and then it happened. I was looking around for her and couldn’t find her. Of course I just assumed she was still POed at me so I let things go a little more. Two months after it had actually happened, I found out she’d taken her own life.

So yeah…that stupid little damn email brought all that angst & despair right back up for me to figure out how to deal with again. The difference is that now I have got to deal with this and put it behind me. I stowed away a lot of this because I was in no shape to deal with it back then, now, I have a life to live and this will not turn me into a wreck again.

I wrote this blog post not for the readers, but for myself this time. It’s been a while since I put a little of my heart on my sleeve in my writing and now’s a good time to get back into that habit. Aly, you were my most trusted companion in so many ideas and beliefs for what seems like a gazillion years. You helped me pull out of no few relationships without losing it. And that one rare time you wanted more from me, I was a dumbass, and thats on me. You own a piece of me, and I know you’re in a much much better place.

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PS – I really need to thank Andie for listening to me vent about this when it happened. You have no idea how appreciative I am on this. Thanks love!

m4s0n501